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Why So Serious?

Updated: May 17, 2020

Just a little levity to mix things up.

Two masked men robbed a convenience store the other day, the cops arrested 168 people.


I have a greater respect for Batman and Spider-Man now. I’m practically asphyxiated after 10 minutes of grocery shopping with a mask on. These guys are saving the civilized world with half the oxygen intake of a regular person.


Shouldn’t it really be called “anti-social” distancing? You can’t call it “social” if you refuse to come within 6 feet of another human being.


Most people have no idea how to eyeball 6 feet anyway. The guy in front of me is standing 20 feet from the front of the line, while the guy behind me is counting the freckles on my neck.


Don’t get me started on the social distancing police though. Some guy who hasn’t showered in a week leering at me because I’m 5 1/2 feet away instead of 6.


I don’t mind mitigation and shelter-in-place. I’ve been staying at home and avoiding human contact my whole life. I think all introverts just inherently knew a pandemic was coming. We just didn’t know when.


Outside of the medical profession, why are the “non-essential” workers the highest paid, and the “essential” workers paid the least?


This year is the first time since the creation of the Internet where going viral is not a good thing.


A bunch of programmers in Silicon Valley were rushed to the hospital the other day. I guess the injected themselves with Norton 360.


One downside of this pandemic is that I had to change my ringtone. People were freaking out hearing a raspy cough every time I got a call in public.

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Judd Garrett is a former NFL player, coach and executive. He is a frequent contributer to the website Real Clear Politics, and has recently published his first novel, No Wind