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Deep Thoughts

It’s amazing how Covid has changed us. A few weeks ago, I sneezed in public, and a guy there said, “god damn you” instead of “god bless you.”

With Covid, we are now more willing to pet a strange dog, then talk to a maskless human.

I saw a woman the other day wearing a mask and face shield, buying a carton of Kool Cigarettes. I guess she doesn’t want her cancer to get Covid.

The best part of social distancing is I’ve saved a lot of money on deodorant.


I guess the people who are driving alone in their car with a mask on are afraid they will give Covid to themselves.

I was at the airport the other day, and some guy who I met briefly a few months ago, came up to me to say, “hi.”

I said, “wow, you got a great memory.”

He said, “I never forget a mask.”

The Motion Picture Association of America has banned the playing of the movies Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, and every other movie directed by Chris Columbus because the director’s name is racist.


Next time somebody says, “defund the police”, punch them in the face and see who they call.


I thought Sting defunded “The Police” in 1984?


Why is it that the only pop-ups that pop-up on computers these days, is for software that blocks pop-ups?


What is longer? Waiting for water to boil or waiting for the charge on your dead iPhone to kick in?


Why is it whenever, “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins plays on the radio, everybody is compelled to do the drum solo?


I want to change my last name to Ymous, and my first name to Anon. Some of the greatest quotes of all time are attributed to some guy named Anon Ymous. No one seems to know who that guy is. He could be me.


Shouldn’t a unicorn actually be called a uni-horn?


Why is it that as men get older, their ears get bigger, but their hearing gets worse?


Is the sign “Slippery When Wet” really necessary? Is there anything that is not slippery when wet?


Why is gas called gas? It’s a liquid, not a gas.


People are always telling me, ‘I need to expand my investment portfolio’. And I just tell them, ‘I don’t put much stock in stocks.’


Is it possible that people like Al Gore and Greta Thornberg just hate the people living in places like Buffalo and Canada?

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Judd Garrett is a former NFL player, coach and executive. He is a frequent contributer to the website Real Clear Politics, and has recently published his first novel, No Wind

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